Prayers For A Little Prince

 Meet Asher:

                                                 
Isn't he adorable? This little guy is 7 weeks old, and he has spent 6 of those 7 weeks in the hospital.

His current ailments include, but may not be limited to:
*Premature Lungs
*RSV
*Partially Collapsed Lungs
*Pneumonia
*Fluctuating Resperation
*Fluctuating Heart Rate
*High Fevers


This little guy is very sick. He has a twin brother and 5 other siblings at home who miss him terribly. Please add little Asher into your prayers. And please add his amazing, sweet mother as well. They need all the help they can get.

Thank you dear friends!

Here's The Proof...I Am Definitely ALL Kinds Of Crazy!!!

Today I experienced one of the most ridiculous and embarrassing mishaps in my life. It is absolute proof that I am senile! I wasn't planning on telling anyone about it, but then I figured, I can either laugh it off with everyone else (oh yes, you will be laughing), or I can crawl in a hole and hang out for awhile. But frankly, laughter is more fun! And when you're insane, (like me) meniacle laughter is even more fun! Bwahahahahahahaha!

There are a few things that contributed to today's mishap. I shall list them for you:

1) Last week was Spring Break and so I had a whole week that I didn't have to keep to the normal schedule, which goes as follows:
            *We have one car. Jarom goes to work in the very early morning. He comes home later in the morning and we pack up all of the kids in the car to take Emma to school. Then I take Jarom back to work so that I have the car to get Bridget to school in the afternoon. Then I have to go pick Jarom up when he gets off work.

2) I had some extra kids at my house yesterday, so my mom came and took Bridget to school for me. Since I didn't have to get Bridget to school, Jarom kept the car and I didn't have to pick him up from work.

(These two things put my regular schedule more-or-less out of sight and out of mind.)

3) This is me we're talking about here, and if you know me and my brain then you know that is contribution enough.

Okay, so...now that you have all of the background information I will fill you in on
The Mishap...(Dun dun dun...)

I didn't take Bridget to school today because I got caught up in something I was doing and by the time I looked at the clock it was too little too late. (Duh! moment #1)

I was upstairs in the bathroom (yes, I was in the bathroom) and I heard banging on my front door. Someone was knocking very hard and very fast, repetitively. Immediately following the banging I could hear the bomp bomp bomp of a car stereo, turned up way too loud. Then it was quiet.

I came out of the bathroom and looked out my window and noticed that my car was in the driveway. It was around the time that Jarom would get home from work, so I went downstairs to see if he was home. I looked through the whole house and he wasn't here. In fact, the front door was still locked. I was so confused. Where would he have gone? It didn't make any sense to me! I went outside and started looking up and down the street. I checked with a few neighbors to see if they had seen him (Oh yes, I knocked on the doors and everything).

And then I started to FREAK OUT!!!

Oh yes, ladies and gentlemen!  I became thoroughly convinced that my husband had been followed home from work by some no-good, road rage gangster (yep!). That it had been my husband pounding on the door, trying to get in quicker than his keys would allow, when he was dragged off by these armed and dangerous misfits!

(I know, I know. You're probably nearly wetting yourselves already.)

40 minutes later I got all of my kids into the car and began driving the neighborhood looking for any evidence of these possible thugs and where they might have taken my husband. I had my phone in-hand and was minutes away from calling the police and reporting him missing. Then the phone rang, and to my surprise and relief I heard my husband's voice. I was soooo confused!

And what did he say to me? He said, "Hi! Did you forget about me?" And with those few words it dawned on me, and suddenly everything made sense! Perfect, obvious, idiotic sense!

Jarom hadn't taken the car today. I dropped him off at work after we took Emma to school, just like we do every other day. Jarom was calling me because I had forgotten to pick him up from work.

Seriously people, if you're not worried about my mental stability at this point you probably should be. I know I am! So there's your proof. All kinds of crazy exists, and it exists right here.

I realize that it is pretty funny looking back on it, but at the time it was far from funny. I think it must stem from my greatest fear in this life, which is obviously an irrational sort of fear. The fear of becoming a widow. There is nothing scarier to me. I can't imagine a life without my husband.  He is my whole world.

So, feel free to have a laugh at my expense! I will join you! And then you can recognize that one of your many blessings is that your brain isn't just a big ball of Jell-o like mine is!

My Lisa-Power-Pump-Me-Up Song!

The Ultimate Deceiver

A couple of times in my recent study I have, for one reason or another, found myself reading the Bible Dictionary description of the word devil. It is amazing to me how much one can learn simply by reading the Bible Dictionary. A few parts of the description of the devil hit me pretty hard.

-"One of the major techniques of the devil is to cause human beings to think they are following God's ways, when in reality they are deceived by the devil to follow other paths....
He tries to imitate the work of God by transforming himself nigh unto an angel of light. He is also a worker of miracles, by which he deceives many upon the earth. In fact, the scriptures say he deceives the whole world. He can cite scripture to make his point seem plausible. All of this is his scheme to make man miserable like himself."
(Bible Dictionary, Pg. 656)

I wonder how often we fall for that. How often I fall for it. I would venture to guess that it is probably too often.

Let It Out

Some days I think that if I could scream as loud as I can, for as long as I can, it might make me feel better. It might shock everything, even my own brain, into silence! Of course, this is just a theory. I've never actually tried it. I'm afraid if I did it may terrify five small children, my neighbors, their dogs, and probably even myself. So I will stick to screaming of the silent type. I'll hear it, but only in my head. And you'll probably hear it in yours. So here goes:

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Better? Ummm....maybe a little...no, not really.
Better luck next time.

In His Constant Care

I went shopping with my mom the other night and we decided to stop in at Seagull Book. The first thing I saw when I walked in the door was this picture, and it took my breath away.

I had to make an effort to hold back tears as this painting overwhelmed me. It is called "In His Constant Care" and it is painted by Simon Dewey. If it hadn't cost so much I would have bought it on the spot. I will own this picture someday. I have to.

Happy Birth-day Baby Charlie

I wanted to write a post about the labor and delivery of our little Charlie. Some parts may be a little graphic, but I know how some of you like to hear all the gory details! :) I know people want pictures, but my computer right now is less than satisfactory so it might be awhile. Sorry.

On Tuesday, January 11th at about 12:30 a.m. I was concerned that my water had broken and was 'trickling' fluid. This happened when Emma was born, and I was pretty sure it was the same thing. We decided to head in to the hospital to have them check it out. I hadn't had any contractions up to this point except for about 3 that I'd had 6 hours earlier that were 20 minutes apart. We got to the hospital and I thought they would do a quick check of the fluid to see if it was amniotic fluid before they checked me in. But they didn't. They took me straight to a birthing room, had me change into a gown, and hooked me up to all of the monitors. It was the weirdest thing, right after they hooked me up to the monitors I started having small and somewhat random contractions. Then they decided to check my fluid. With Emma it was very simple, they used a paper strip that changed a certain color if amniotic fluid was detected. Now they have 3 different ways of detecting fluid, including the strip, but they require that they insert a very uncomfortable device that allows them to see if fluid was 'pooling'. This was the first of many very uncomfortable 'checks' that morning.

They determined that I was not leaking amniotic fluid, which was a shock to Jarom and I because I clearly had some sort of unexplained moisture going on. I was afraid they were going to send us home, but because I had been contracting they decided to check my cervix first. This was a more difficult process than you would imagine. It has always been something pretty simple. However, the nurse reached in, 'dug' around for a bit, pushed hard, then pushed even harder. Then she came out and said that something was really strange and she couldn't really describe what it felt like. She went to get another nurse. The second nurse went in... 'dug' around... pushed hard... pushed harder...came out...asked me to put my fists under my pelvic bone to tilt it upward...went back in...continued...and then decided that I was dilated to 4 1/2 cm. I had to experience at least 4 of these types of checks throughout that morning. They were very painful. This was not boding well for my labor experience.

At this point, they were still considering sending me home since they weren't sure how long I'd been at 4 1/2 because my cervix was so difficult. They figured I could have been sitting like that for a week. So we waited a couple of hours to see if there was any progress. I prayed and prayed for progress! I was so ready for Charlie to come, and I had already suffered some very painful things. I was ready to get it over with! After 2 hours and another horrid check I was dilated to 5 1/2 cm and 80% effaced. They finally decided they would keep me. So they figured they'd get my contractions moving along and they started the Pitocin. It worked. I was feeling those contractions! I have had an epidural with all of my kids (well, one was a spinal block) and it has always worked perfectly, so I was looking forward to getting that going, even though the process itself is  painful, it had never been anything I couldn't handle.

Wrong! Not this time! The process of putting in the catheter for the epidural had never hurt so bad as it did this time. It was unbelievably painful! When it was finally over, I was really looking forward to some pain relief, pronto! It never came. The anesthesiologist came in 4 times to add more medicine and still, nothing. The contractions were getting stronger and lasting longer and all I could do to get through them was try to breathe. I must admit, for awhile there I was pretty proud of myself for how well I handled the pain. I didn't make and ounce of noise, just breathed. As we got closer and closer the anesthesiologist decided perhaps he hadn't gotten the catheter in correctly and we did the whole thing again. It wasn't as painful this time (except for the fact that I was having major contractions during the process) and I started to feel the numbing effect go down my right leg. I took this as a sign that it was now working and I would soon be pain free. Nope! Wrong again! It spread through my right leg and stopped dead in it's tracks.  4 more doses of medication...nothing. No matter how I shifted position it offered me no other relief.

On top of all of this, after another check, we found that Charlie was 'sunny side up'. Babies are supposed to come out with their face down, toward the mother's back. Charlie was face-up toward my belly. Because of this his head wasn't fitting through my pelvic bone the way it was supposed to. This is when the REAL pain began. I felt like there was a vice clamped onto my bones, and with every contraction that clamp pulled my bones in 6 different directions all at the same time. I thought I was going to burst, the pressure was so intense! I lost all control over that pain. I was crying hysterically. Because of this, Charlie's oxygen levels started going down and I had to wear an oxygen mask. This had turned into a very real nightmare for me. I could feel everything. In comes the anesthesiologist again. He tried to adjust the catheter and add more medicine one more time. I hoped it would work, but no such luck.

Then the time came... I could feel that immense pressure moving forward and I knew I had to push... now. When I told the nurse this she told me to wait.... wait! I thought she was insane. She checked me and said he still needed to come down a little more so don't push. She went to get my doctor. One contraction later I said it again... I needed to push...NOW!!! She said to wait! Aaaaagggghhhh! The frustration! The pain! The pressure! My doctor came in just in time and said "Okay, lets go!" Thank you, Dr. Terry, for not telling me to wait! I mustered up what I could just to move my body into position. On the first contraction I pushed once and Charlie's little head came out. Then Dr. Terry tells me to stop pushing. Stop?! (I'm still feeling every bit of this, by the way) He wanted me to stop! Some of you may, or may not understand what it's like to have half of a human body coming out of a very small space in your own body, and then have to stop pushing and just let it sit there.

Luckily, shortly after that the next contraction came. One more push and he was out. At 11:55 a.m. they placed little Charlie on my stomach, but I was shaking so bad I could barely reach up to touch him. You would think this would be a good place to wrap things up. It's over. The end. No more pain, right? Wrong! Because, you see, after the birth comes the after-birth. I usually barely even notice this part, it always goes so quickly and smoothly while I'm cuddling with my new little baby. But, of course, that would not be fitting for this experience. Simple and painless didn't fit into this labor scenario. You see, the placenta did not detach from my uterus, as it is supposed to do, making it easy to remove. No, my doctor had to literally go up inside and use his fingers to physically separate the placenta from my uterus. OUCH! (Did I mention that my epidural didn't work? Yes? Okay, just checking.) Yep, I felt that too.

Then, finally, it was over. And while they cleaned up my baby boy I got to give some attention to something very important to me. I asked the doctor if there was any evidence of my other baby in the placenta. I know some might find it disgusting, but I got to look at the placenta and I saw the little flap of extra tissue that was once my little boy. This was incredibly important and emotional for me. My point of view was not great and I couldn't see much detail, but Jarom said he could see the imprint of a tiny skeleton in that little flap of tissue. As small as it was, I had my evidence that my little Peter was real. I will never see it again, but at least I got to see it. I had been worried that the day may be tainted by the baby that wasn't born. I wasn't sure how I would feel and it worried me for a long time. But now I know.

I have a necklace. I wear it every day. It is an angel with a ruby heart in the center. It is a token of remembrance for my little angel, Peter. The ruby is the birthstone of July, the month we lost him. With every contraction I had during my labor, I wrapped my hand around that little angel while I breathed in and out. With every contraction I thought about my little Peter. He reminded me of how lucky I was to be there in that moment, however painful it was, giving birth to a living and healthy son. No matter how much I complain about the physical pain I experienced during this labor, Peter made me grateful, every step of the way, for the blessing it was to be having that experience. The memory of Peter did not taint my feelings that day at all. Quite the opposite...my memory of Peter helped me get through it, as I am sure it will help me get through many other things in the future.

And now we welcome our sweet little Charlie to the family! He is perfect! And we are happy to have him!

Peter

For the one that was and always will be; although he can't share this life with me...

I mentioned in an earlier post that I would share the story of Charlie's twin. I'm not sure I can properly put it into words, but I will do my best.

We lost a child. Because we never had actual 'proof' of the sex of this child, we rarely use a name. We didn't want to deal with people asking us how we know, but we do know. We know we lost a son. We know his name was Peter. And I think about him every day.

I was 7 weeks along when I had some spotting and went in for an ultrasound. I was told that I was having twins. Immediately some part of me recognized that I already knew this before they told me. It was right. It made sense. Jarom, on the other hand, was completely blown away by this news. We were nervous, but excited. We saw this as a blessing for following the promptings of the Lord.

From the very beginning there was some concern that Peter's amniotic sac was rather small. I went in for an ultrasound every one to two weeks so we could monitor his growth and the sac around him. Everything seemed to be going well. The sac was consistently small, but it also was growing proportionately to his body and to Charlie's sac. The sac grew as he grew. At the beginning of the second trimester, my doctor felt concerned that the sac may have stopped growing. The only cause of this that they could come up with was that if the babies were sharing a placenta (which would make them identical twins), Charlie could have been getting the bulk of the nutrition and Peter wasn't getting much of anything. There was some dispute as to whether the babies were actually sharing a placenta or not. So I was sent to a specialist who would be able to tell if this was the problem. It could be fixed if we went to California for a rare, but effective surgery. We went to our appointment and the doctor was confident that the babies did not share a placenta so this could not be a problem. He also said that both babies had sufficient amniotic fluid and that they both looked healthy. We were relieved to hear such great news.

Less than a week later, on July 27, we went in for my regular appointment. I remember while we were waiting for my nurse to come in I told Jarom, "I just feel like this is the pregnancy when something will go wrong. I'll have high blood pressure or toxemia or something." I was half-right. I wish I'd been completely right. High blood pressure isn't all that bad. My nurse came in and listened for the heartbeats. She had a hard time finding either one. She moved me into a room with an old ulrasound machine and looked for the heartbeats. She found one, but something about the other one looked strange to her. She could see surrounding blood, but no blood-flow. She asked us to wait for the newer ultrasound machine to be available. Amazingly enough, it didn't occur to me at this point that something was really wrong. I thought everything would be fine once we did the actual ultrasound.

The technician came in and looked at my babies. She started by showing us Charlie, that he was healthy and doing well. Then she moved on to Peter, and even my untrained eyes could see...there was no heartbeat. There was, in fact, no amniotic fluid surrounding him at all. Just his lifeless little body. That little spirit, that life, was gone. Words cannot describe what I felt in that moment, what I still feel today when I think about it. Watching them search for a heartbeat they won't find...desperately seeking a life that's not there. This was somewhere around my 6th or 7th ultrasound. I had been given the gift of knowing this child. I watched him grow from a little blob into a person. I knew his face. I had seen him kick, and bounce, and play, and even have the hiccups. At that point in the pregnancy many women would not even know that there were 2 babies. I was so blessed to be given the opportunity to know this child, but it made the loss so much harder.

There was never an explanation for what happened. Nobody knew. It is common to lose a twin in early pregnancy, but not in the second trimester. It was a fluke. Something weird. That's all we know.

The array of emotions I've had to deal with since is unfathomable. I recognized many blessings that came with the short life of this child. I recognized the fact that although I was overwhelmingly sad, I was not angry or resentful. I had to deal with the obstacle of telling people and how I would respond to their questions.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with, was what would happen to Peter's little body. His body was compressed, essentially crushed, and absorbed by the surrounding tissue. This was a very hard thing for me to visualize. And I expected that it would take some time, but when I went in for an ultrasound two weeks after the loss, it was already as if he had never been there. That was very difficult for me. Already there was no evidence of him left.

I also had to figure out how to feel two completely opposite emotions at the same time. I had just lost a child. I was grieving and mourning that loss. But I was still expecting a child. And I was so happy that he was still there and looked forward to him joining us. But how do I feel those two things together, at the same time? I'm still not sure I've figured that out. Some days it works better than others.

I have had a number of experiences that have helped me in my process of healing, the greatest of which came after I offered the most sincere prayer I have ever offered in my life, asking the Lord to take this burden from me and help me find comfort and healing through the power of His atonement. This is why He suffered, so I would not have to...and though I still have sadness, He kept my loss from taking over my life. It did not break me, because I didn't have to carry it alone. Having said that, there are still nights when I wait for Jarom to fall asleep. I leave my bedroom...I hold that ultrasound photo close to my heart...and I cry...I cry hard...and I cry for a long time.

There are other things that have affected me. Other things that have hurt. Other lessons I've learned. I won't share them here. But these are the basics. One of the greatest blessings I will ever recognize in my life is that I have an eternal family. I will be with Peter one day. I will always be his mother, he will always be my son. I will always have that meeting to look forward to, and I will try my hardest to live my life in a way that makes me worthy of that blessing.

For the one that was and always will be; although he can't share this life with me...

Caught Off Guard

Something happened last night that may not seem like a big deal to some, but it caused me great concern. I have tried as hard as possible, since my girls were just babies, to be very careful about what I say about myself or anyone else concerning body image. I have never complained about my weight or called myself fat in front of my daughters. Even when I was working on losing weight I discussed with them that I wanted to be healthier, I never used the word 'skinnier'. I make a conscious effort to let them know how beautiful they are. I do not want body image to ever be an issue for my children. I want them to know that they are beautiful and special and be confident in who they are.

Last night Emma came to tell me that something was wrong with Bridget and that she was crying. I asked her to come talk to me about it. When I asked her what was wrong she told me, " I'm sad because I think I look fat.... When I breath my tummy puffs out and is fat...I'm not skinny like Emma. She is skinnier than me."

Bridget is 5 years old! I cannot even imagine why she is worried about these things already. Especially when I make such an effort to help my kids feel good about themselves. I was absolutely devastated by this conversation. I know that my efforts don't keep her from hearing comments from other people or on television, but it is amazing to me that the issue has become so important to her at the age of 5.

I am making a plea to the world. Can we all please pay a little more attention the the 'off-hand' comments we throw around? Can we recognize that how we feel about and deal with all areas of life serve as an example to the children around us? If they are always hearing about how important body image is to us and the rest of the world, the only conclusion they can come to is that their body shape and size not only matters, but is a measurement of what they are worth.

I hope every day that I can do enough, as a mother, to let my children know how amazing they are. I'm sure I will have to have this type of conversation many more times with all 4 of my daughters. I dread every one of them!

If you happen to see Bridget sometime soon, please tell her how beautiful she is!
Thank You!

Charlie

Today I want to share the story of Charlie. The decision to have another addition in our family has been one of a number of great tests of faith for us, and another addition of proof that our Heavenly Father loves and cares for us, and that He will always provide a way for us to accomplish what He asks of us.

Our four girls were all "planned". Meaning, we decided that we were ready for another child and we were prepared to welcome them into our family. This was not the case with Charlie. We had planned to wait until Allyson was at least 2 years old before we would even consider the idea of having another child. There was much for us to work toward before were ready for that. But, I  was taking the girls for a walk one day and the words came to me suddenly, "You have a little boy, his name is Charles, and he is ready to come join the family". Hmmm... okay. I waited a couple of days before I told Jarom the impression I had been given. We went to the temple later that week and that impression was confirmed to both of us at that time. We weren't quite sure what to do. For the first time we didn't feel ready for this.

Our greatest concern was that if we had another baby we would have to move. Our townhome only allowed 6 people and this would bump us up to 7 people. We couldn't figure out any way that we would be able to move anywhere else. Any place large enough was far out of our price range. Our only hope was a government loan that would allow us to actually buy a house with payments in our price range. But we did not consider this as a possibility because we had already applied for this loan and we were denied due to too much debt. Our van was our only debt, but it was enough to disqualify us.

We felt a lot of pressure about this decision and we prayed a lot about what we should do. We had come to the tentative decision that we would continue using birth control and then if we got pregnant anyway we would know that the timing was right. I wasn't completely comfortable with this plan, and it only lasted about a day. I was in the shower the next day (I do a lot of thinking in the shower, its one of my only quiet spaces), and I was pondering our situation and the decision we had made, when I heard the still small voice in my mind, and the lesson I learned from what he had to say was deeply profound to me, though it seems so simple. He said, "There is a child ready to come, but He will not take your agency from you. You must choose." If we continued on birth control we would be choosing not to accept this child. We could not ask our Father in Heaven to "force" him upon us just so that we would know it was His will for us. He had already told us His will.

And so we made the choice. We put our trust in the Lord and accepted that He would provide a way for us to support our family as we expanded. We could not figure out how He was going to do that, but that is what makes Him God, and us merely human. We don't need to know everything when we want to know it. Faith is a major part of growth and learning. And it allows us to appreciate our blessings so much more.

And we did receive blessings. Many, many blessings. Not only did He provide for us, but he seemed to give us extra blessings.The most obvious example is that we were able to buy a home. While getting the kids into the van for church one Sunday morning, our neighbor came down the street and, not paying much attention, she ran right into the back of Jarom's car, which had been parked on the street. We were a little frustrated at first, but it didn't take long for us to realize that "God works in mysterious ways". Jarom's car was totaled, and the insurance money we got for it was enough to payoff the rest of our van. This left us debt free, and we were able to re-apply and qualify for the government loan that we needed to buy a home. We never would have prayed for Jarom's car to get totaled as a solution to our problem, but the Lord knew what we needed and how to make it happen. I thanked my neighbor for crashing into Jarom's car. She thought I was crazy, but she was a tool for the Lord to bless our lives. We now live in a beautiful home that we love and it accommodates us well! We have no worries about our little Charlie joining us. We know we will be fine and that the Lord will continue to provide for us.

There is one more thing that we consider a blessing from this whole thing. Seven weeks into my pregnancy we found that we were expecting twins. We automatically saw this as an added blessing for following the Lord's counsel. A "two-for-one deal", if you will. That has not worked out the way we expected, and I will write more about that story in a different post. But I still, to this day, consider that child an added blessing.

I have an amazing life! I could never deny that my Heavenly Father obviously loves and blesses me, as He does all of His children.